It's been awhile, but some things never change. . .

So much has happened since my last post, and it feels as if my heart which i thought was healed, was just taped up and mashed together. Through all the fights and drama with your now recent ex, to the issues that we have amongst each other, that run deeper than i think we both realize. I look back at my posts, and all i see is someone that thought they found their future only to have it all be a joke, just a nightmare that sometimes randomly replays in her head. I see some change in you, but with everything i can't believe it will stay, or it just disappoints me to see you figured it out when you lost what was possibly the best thing that happened to you. I know that no one will love you the way i did, no one will know you the way i do, no one will have the connection that we had. I know it hurts me, cause it scares me to think, what if you were the one for me? Even though you treated me horribly and weren't the greatest boyfriend, what if that was it for me? What if i can't find that other person to feel the way i did about you, towards me. I have become so picky with the men i allow in my life, and i hate you for that. I find what i feel could be the negatives of them because of the negative you spilled out onto me. I try to ignore it, but it's not something i can control. My unconscious mind doesn't want me to forget what you put me through. It's a blessing and it's a curse. Because it lets me know what not to have in my life, but it makes it harder for a amazing guy to enter my life. And i hate you for the fact you can live on with your life even with what you did. That you  bounce from girl to girl without realizing the damage you left behind. "Jar of Hearts" by Christina Perri reminds me of what you have done to me, what was some of your fault with your ex, and who knows about the future.

I feel the hate within my soul spilling out within these words, and thats not the person i pride myself on being, but it's whats become of me. I care about you so much, but i hate you at the same time for how you have broken me. It is not fair this pain was brought upon me, that this person who just wanted to give you love, who gave you every last emotion, every last piece of me, to have it taken out like the trash. While you walk away with more people on your side, and a smile on your face. Times i smile is when you tell me how it hurts you, how you lost me, how youve hurt me in the past. You should feel that, you should understand what you have done. And i am angry, that i never got what i deserved from you, that it will be easily given to someone else. You don't realize the pain and what it can do to a person. When someone's heart is so shattered, when their trust is broken, when they have been cheated on, left for someone else, when those things happen, you have no idea how much that effs up someones brain. And i am scared i will never be able to fix that. That i will be on the sidelines of life with a tear slowly falling down my cheek and see you ahead with a smile on your face, and someone's hand in yours. And you tell me you understand this pain, but i feel you never could, because it is impossible to understand the love i had for you, and to understand with the situation how it turned me into the woman i am today.

i just wish you could see. I wish we never were one. I wish i never gave my heart to you. I wish you never hurt me. I wish those memories vanished. i wish i didn't care. I wish you never mean't anything to me.

But these are all wishes that will never be full-filled, because this is what i am. And now the debate of my mind occurs, what do i do. It's a lose lose situation for me, and a win win for you. I can try to fight through this to have you in my life, to work through how much of my life you've fucked up, or i can let you go, and pretend you were nothing to me.

In the end, the tears will shed on my end. In the end, nothing will be different for me.

So before i go to bed, i will get on my knees, pray to the lord that i can have what i've given in the past. That someone can see this absolutely amazing person who has an amazing heart to give out, and give that to me in return. To NEVER critisize my looks, my actions or anything about myself. To NEVER lie to me. To NEVER cheat on me. To NEVER leave me. Who would do anything in the world to have me by their side, because they know i can give them the world and make them the happiest. That we would have a happy ending. I will never stop praying for that, and it's thanks to you my dear.