Here i am again, sitting here spilling my mind and heart out, reliving my past, dealing with it all, so i can continue on with the future. Lately, a lot has been going on my mind, and i don't truthfully understand why, but i figured dealing with it all will help.
The past few days bits and pieces of our past seem to rise up, whether something pops up on my computer, someone finds something involving us, or even just stupid day to day things and memories we had shared. When those happen, i do not get angry, i do not get upset, in a way it makes me happy. Whether your thoughts about my role in your life are negative or positive, i know for me it in a way combined those both, but it brings a happiness within my heart. We may not have had the ideal relationship, we may not have been soul mates, but we did have something and within the good and bad moments, i was in love and happy. I know the same was not received on your end, and im sorry that it happened, but i cherish the good we shared. The memories go as far back as middle school, the meeting at the bus stop, one of my favorite memories i have had of you in my life. We were friends, we played stupid games together, but we never truly got to know each other, and had no idea where the future would have taken us. From high school, being a couple, to the break up and the drama. I know no matter the words i say, no matter the actions i had taken, it seemed as if you were blind to the truth that had occurred. I liked you a lot, but i wasn't ready for us yet, i wasn't ready for whatever would of happened with us, and i was scared to continue and hurt you. So it ended, you hated me, and here was the part where things took a turn for the worst. We faded away for awhile, barely talked and if we did, it wasn't nice. lol It was interesting though. 2006 started the time of us becoming close friends, it started the girlfriends hating me situation, and among the memories of you being a great friend to me, i feel in a way, you started entering my heart, whether i noticed it or not. 2007 led to the beginning, it's truly when i fell for you, although things never turned out the way i hoped. Another girlfriend fight, my heart crushed a bit from the situation, and us again going our separate ways. Boy is our history something else. 2008 was a amazing year for me, minus the situations that happened with Matt, my feelings became so strong for you. So many nights of laying in the back of your truck, smoking, staring at the stars, shooting stars competitions, and just endless talking about our lives, our pasts, our futures; our wants, needs & goals. My favorite thing in the world. The day before Vegas our "bogus" marriage, (by the way that makes us ex-hubby & ex-wifey lol ) That always seemed to trip people out. I spent all my time with you, and i was happy, all i wanted was you to be mine, for everything to be a happy ending, i thought i reached that point but i was wrong. For sometime i felt that we were right for each other but our positions in life at the moment were the reason we didn't work. We knew each other so well, the right actions to take to keep us on top of the world and the wrong ones to take that would make us fall. I sometimes feel no one we will ever be with will have the connection we had with each other, no other relationship could ever be the same. (in a way thats a great thing haha) The happiness quickly disappeared, but the passion remained. I know about the truth of all the things you did to me, and i don't blame myself for them happening anymore. I know about the times you cheated, that there were girls in your life other than me when we were together, and while it broke my heart before, i understand it all now.
I relive these memories, i recount each detail because i want you to see the truth. In front of you stood a girl who loved you more than anything. Who would put anyone and anything aside for you, especially if you needed a smile. When i felt i couldn't do that, that's when i fell, and that's when you fell. We tried so hard to make each other happy, and depend on that feeling of making someone else happy that we couldn't help ourselves or figure out what was right, what was needed, and the right things to make us completely happy with each other. Not only do i relive these because i wanted you to see things through my eyes, but because i want you to realize the wrongs within everything, to open your eyes to what love does surround you and to hopefully warn you not to make those mistakes again. The pain i had gotten from you was the cheating, the lying, the abuse, the fact i was not a priority in your life. Cheating was something that was up there for the worst, alongside lying. I never could understand how you could make that choice, when i gave you all of me, and i felt i wasn't good enough. You just wanted more, more than i could give, more than i was. These actions, the lies, the cheating, is what majorly broke me within you. I knew all about everything i just chose not to believe it, till i found out the truth from others. I will tell you the truth with me, i had chances to cheat, i had chances to lie, i had the ability to live a different life like you did with me. But did i? No. When things got rough with us, when i was hurt beyond belief and guys showed me attention made me feel like i was something, i would still sit there and be like, i have a boyfriend, i have the man i love and will always love, im sorry. I had self control and knew i had something special with you and i would not want to make a mistake to lose that. The abuse, i seemed to take way too easily, and that's a fault i had in the relationship. I am a different person now then when i was with you and before we were together. A insecure, self hating, depressed type of person. That other people matter more than me, that i would always feel so negative about myself so i deserve the negative in my life and instead of getting better i would get worse, i would fall apart, do things you didn't like, upset you, then do worse. Because the hatred i had for myself had me make mistakes, and your reaction of disappointment, sadness in me, caused it to be worse. I felt as if i could never fuck up or else you would leave me, so i became in a mess, and i lost control of who i was and what i was doing. i am sorry i put you through that shit, my depression and suicide crap. I thought i was getting help, but mainly it was me doing things that made you happy that i felt i was fine. Until the moment you weren't and i was depressed again. It was a horrible process and i am happy to say now i am secure with myself, i love everything about me and accept my flaws and im happy, legit happy with what i have. It's a whole new me, and it's wonderful. I made you my everything, while you made me your side thing. I let my emotions of myself play out in our relationship, which made me not good enough for you, your right (for once) i did change within our relationship and not for the better. If only you could see me now =]
Enough about what you did to me. Now it's my turn to discuss the mistakes i made. Within all that was going through my mind, and my heart, i was mixed up and i couldn't totally be there for you, and be the girl you wanted & needed me to be. When i felt i couldn't make you happy, when you would be depressed, threaten suicide, i didn't know what to do. From the things you told me within your past i figured any asking of your family, any asking from your friends for help wouldn't do much. I remember a night drinking at your house & i had a heart to heart with Vicki. I was explaining about how hurt i was, that you were hurting me and i didn't know what to do. I explained the actions you took, the things happening. (i was wasted, you know me, im best friends with everyone and LOVE to talk haha) I remember her words, she said "that's just Nick. He has always been like that, it's just who he is." So i decided there wasn't much i could do but accept it, and try to help you as much as i could. But i couldn't and it killed me that i couldn't. I know the time you needed me the most i wasn't there for you, i know it's when you really started moving away from me and finding someone else to make you happy. It's understandable. When December rolled around, i was excited to come home to you, spend my winter break all with you. But things weren't okay, i wanted space, you flipped out, and things were said. I was a mess, i was petrified, because no matter what i did this would happen, i had no idea what to do or how to make things better. I wanted to be able to save you. I wanted to be your everything but i failed. My mom did what she did, but what happened after was life taking its course. You may think i did it to hurt you, ruin your life. And anything i said from that day on meant nothing to you, like i meant nothing to you. I spent everyday crying my eyes out, everyday wishing to hear your voice, see your face, or kiss you. Everyday i wrote messages & notes for you, trying to find a way to let you know that i love you, let you know i wanted to make things better, and let you know ill be your everything if you let me. But we lost us that day and we never got us back. We tried, but it just wasn't meant to be.
I do hope i meant something to you. I hope what we had meant something to you. If it doesn't that's fine, because it will always mean something to me.
That's another hope in this post. That maybe one day when everything passes by when we excell in our lives, that if we run into each other one day, that maybe we could be okay. Maybe we could just be friends. Because the past is the past and things happen which create new and better chances in our lives, we become completely different people, and lead completely different lives.
I know you hate me for things that have happened. I will not argue about December, we each have our own thoughts about it, but while you say i ruined your life, look at where you stand now? From what i see it benefitted you, minus the money factor. You are happy and in love. You have great things happening, who knows what would of happened if that didnt. We never know about life, and shit gets shoved in our lives that hurt and kill us. This leads to more things in my mind. The issue with Steve. Im sorry that happened, legit feel horrible the friendship got fucked up. You knew before that me and him hung out & talked when we first broke up. The legit time? Killed me. I have never been so broken from a relationship because i never truly fell in love with someone like i did with you or let alone trust someone like i did with you and got those ripped to pieces. For awhile you got your wish and ruined my life, but i gained control, i poured myself to my friends and family and Steve was one of those people. He has been through a horrible breakup and helped me pick up the pieces. I never dated him we were never together, we just became close friends, and he was helpful with me. I do not hate you at all, especially after everything you have done to me. I can sit here logically and understand why shit happened the way it did, why you hurt me, and why in ways i hurt you. I accept it all for what it is, and i can forgive you for what you have done to me, even though i know your not sorry. lol You are a great person, deep down inside there is a sweetheart who just wants to love and be loved. That's the boy i met at the bus stop. That's the boy i fell in love with. That's the boy i will NEVER forget. =]
I ask you one day when your ready to forgive me. To understand nothing was intentional, it was all lifes mishaps. That the type of love i had for you no one else could give you and that when and if you ever want to, there lies a friend in me. I feel our friendship was the best part of everything. Those long meaningful talks are what true friends are about. I hold onto the good within you in my life, i never forget the bad, but i understand it and accept it for what it is. I hope one day you can see that. I hope one day the hatred will stop. I just hope...
The past few days bits and pieces of our past seem to rise up, whether something pops up on my computer, someone finds something involving us, or even just stupid day to day things and memories we had shared. When those happen, i do not get angry, i do not get upset, in a way it makes me happy. Whether your thoughts about my role in your life are negative or positive, i know for me it in a way combined those both, but it brings a happiness within my heart. We may not have had the ideal relationship, we may not have been soul mates, but we did have something and within the good and bad moments, i was in love and happy. I know the same was not received on your end, and im sorry that it happened, but i cherish the good we shared. The memories go as far back as middle school, the meeting at the bus stop, one of my favorite memories i have had of you in my life. We were friends, we played stupid games together, but we never truly got to know each other, and had no idea where the future would have taken us. From high school, being a couple, to the break up and the drama. I know no matter the words i say, no matter the actions i had taken, it seemed as if you were blind to the truth that had occurred. I liked you a lot, but i wasn't ready for us yet, i wasn't ready for whatever would of happened with us, and i was scared to continue and hurt you. So it ended, you hated me, and here was the part where things took a turn for the worst. We faded away for awhile, barely talked and if we did, it wasn't nice. lol It was interesting though. 2006 started the time of us becoming close friends, it started the girlfriends hating me situation, and among the memories of you being a great friend to me, i feel in a way, you started entering my heart, whether i noticed it or not. 2007 led to the beginning, it's truly when i fell for you, although things never turned out the way i hoped. Another girlfriend fight, my heart crushed a bit from the situation, and us again going our separate ways. Boy is our history something else. 2008 was a amazing year for me, minus the situations that happened with Matt, my feelings became so strong for you. So many nights of laying in the back of your truck, smoking, staring at the stars, shooting stars competitions, and just endless talking about our lives, our pasts, our futures; our wants, needs & goals. My favorite thing in the world. The day before Vegas our "bogus" marriage, (by the way that makes us ex-hubby & ex-wifey lol ) That always seemed to trip people out. I spent all my time with you, and i was happy, all i wanted was you to be mine, for everything to be a happy ending, i thought i reached that point but i was wrong. For sometime i felt that we were right for each other but our positions in life at the moment were the reason we didn't work. We knew each other so well, the right actions to take to keep us on top of the world and the wrong ones to take that would make us fall. I sometimes feel no one we will ever be with will have the connection we had with each other, no other relationship could ever be the same. (in a way thats a great thing haha) The happiness quickly disappeared, but the passion remained. I know about the truth of all the things you did to me, and i don't blame myself for them happening anymore. I know about the times you cheated, that there were girls in your life other than me when we were together, and while it broke my heart before, i understand it all now.
I relive these memories, i recount each detail because i want you to see the truth. In front of you stood a girl who loved you more than anything. Who would put anyone and anything aside for you, especially if you needed a smile. When i felt i couldn't do that, that's when i fell, and that's when you fell. We tried so hard to make each other happy, and depend on that feeling of making someone else happy that we couldn't help ourselves or figure out what was right, what was needed, and the right things to make us completely happy with each other. Not only do i relive these because i wanted you to see things through my eyes, but because i want you to realize the wrongs within everything, to open your eyes to what love does surround you and to hopefully warn you not to make those mistakes again. The pain i had gotten from you was the cheating, the lying, the abuse, the fact i was not a priority in your life. Cheating was something that was up there for the worst, alongside lying. I never could understand how you could make that choice, when i gave you all of me, and i felt i wasn't good enough. You just wanted more, more than i could give, more than i was. These actions, the lies, the cheating, is what majorly broke me within you. I knew all about everything i just chose not to believe it, till i found out the truth from others. I will tell you the truth with me, i had chances to cheat, i had chances to lie, i had the ability to live a different life like you did with me. But did i? No. When things got rough with us, when i was hurt beyond belief and guys showed me attention made me feel like i was something, i would still sit there and be like, i have a boyfriend, i have the man i love and will always love, im sorry. I had self control and knew i had something special with you and i would not want to make a mistake to lose that. The abuse, i seemed to take way too easily, and that's a fault i had in the relationship. I am a different person now then when i was with you and before we were together. A insecure, self hating, depressed type of person. That other people matter more than me, that i would always feel so negative about myself so i deserve the negative in my life and instead of getting better i would get worse, i would fall apart, do things you didn't like, upset you, then do worse. Because the hatred i had for myself had me make mistakes, and your reaction of disappointment, sadness in me, caused it to be worse. I felt as if i could never fuck up or else you would leave me, so i became in a mess, and i lost control of who i was and what i was doing. i am sorry i put you through that shit, my depression and suicide crap. I thought i was getting help, but mainly it was me doing things that made you happy that i felt i was fine. Until the moment you weren't and i was depressed again. It was a horrible process and i am happy to say now i am secure with myself, i love everything about me and accept my flaws and im happy, legit happy with what i have. It's a whole new me, and it's wonderful. I made you my everything, while you made me your side thing. I let my emotions of myself play out in our relationship, which made me not good enough for you, your right (for once) i did change within our relationship and not for the better. If only you could see me now =]
Enough about what you did to me. Now it's my turn to discuss the mistakes i made. Within all that was going through my mind, and my heart, i was mixed up and i couldn't totally be there for you, and be the girl you wanted & needed me to be. When i felt i couldn't make you happy, when you would be depressed, threaten suicide, i didn't know what to do. From the things you told me within your past i figured any asking of your family, any asking from your friends for help wouldn't do much. I remember a night drinking at your house & i had a heart to heart with Vicki. I was explaining about how hurt i was, that you were hurting me and i didn't know what to do. I explained the actions you took, the things happening. (i was wasted, you know me, im best friends with everyone and LOVE to talk haha) I remember her words, she said "that's just Nick. He has always been like that, it's just who he is." So i decided there wasn't much i could do but accept it, and try to help you as much as i could. But i couldn't and it killed me that i couldn't. I know the time you needed me the most i wasn't there for you, i know it's when you really started moving away from me and finding someone else to make you happy. It's understandable. When December rolled around, i was excited to come home to you, spend my winter break all with you. But things weren't okay, i wanted space, you flipped out, and things were said. I was a mess, i was petrified, because no matter what i did this would happen, i had no idea what to do or how to make things better. I wanted to be able to save you. I wanted to be your everything but i failed. My mom did what she did, but what happened after was life taking its course. You may think i did it to hurt you, ruin your life. And anything i said from that day on meant nothing to you, like i meant nothing to you. I spent everyday crying my eyes out, everyday wishing to hear your voice, see your face, or kiss you. Everyday i wrote messages & notes for you, trying to find a way to let you know that i love you, let you know i wanted to make things better, and let you know ill be your everything if you let me. But we lost us that day and we never got us back. We tried, but it just wasn't meant to be.
I do hope i meant something to you. I hope what we had meant something to you. If it doesn't that's fine, because it will always mean something to me.
That's another hope in this post. That maybe one day when everything passes by when we excell in our lives, that if we run into each other one day, that maybe we could be okay. Maybe we could just be friends. Because the past is the past and things happen which create new and better chances in our lives, we become completely different people, and lead completely different lives.
I know you hate me for things that have happened. I will not argue about December, we each have our own thoughts about it, but while you say i ruined your life, look at where you stand now? From what i see it benefitted you, minus the money factor. You are happy and in love. You have great things happening, who knows what would of happened if that didnt. We never know about life, and shit gets shoved in our lives that hurt and kill us. This leads to more things in my mind. The issue with Steve. Im sorry that happened, legit feel horrible the friendship got fucked up. You knew before that me and him hung out & talked when we first broke up. The legit time? Killed me. I have never been so broken from a relationship because i never truly fell in love with someone like i did with you or let alone trust someone like i did with you and got those ripped to pieces. For awhile you got your wish and ruined my life, but i gained control, i poured myself to my friends and family and Steve was one of those people. He has been through a horrible breakup and helped me pick up the pieces. I never dated him we were never together, we just became close friends, and he was helpful with me. I do not hate you at all, especially after everything you have done to me. I can sit here logically and understand why shit happened the way it did, why you hurt me, and why in ways i hurt you. I accept it all for what it is, and i can forgive you for what you have done to me, even though i know your not sorry. lol You are a great person, deep down inside there is a sweetheart who just wants to love and be loved. That's the boy i met at the bus stop. That's the boy i fell in love with. That's the boy i will NEVER forget. =]
I ask you one day when your ready to forgive me. To understand nothing was intentional, it was all lifes mishaps. That the type of love i had for you no one else could give you and that when and if you ever want to, there lies a friend in me. I feel our friendship was the best part of everything. Those long meaningful talks are what true friends are about. I hold onto the good within you in my life, i never forget the bad, but i understand it and accept it for what it is. I hope one day you can see that. I hope one day the hatred will stop. I just hope...
Cherish those in your life, love them, be good to them, and continue being happy. I am happy for you and proud of everything you have done. =]
BTW i found these and thought i would share them. . . ((cute messages you left on my computer.))
BTW i found these and thought i would share them. . . ((cute messages you left on my computer.))
"who would have ever thought that we would make it six months?
everyone thought we would never make it together and here we are
still throwing it in everyone's face. I love you with all my heart
baby and forever will. Looking forward to another six months with you
that way we can prove the haters wrong even more =)
KISSSES FROM HUBBY" - May 3rd 2009
everyone thought we would never make it together and here we are
still throwing it in everyone's face. I love you with all my heart
baby and forever will. Looking forward to another six months with you
that way we can prove the haters wrong even more =)
KISSSES FROM HUBBY" - May 3rd 2009
Since i am bad at straight up cheering up i thought i would write out my thoughts on how i feel about everything. You are not a fuck up,
i knew that from the first day i met you. You have a future, you have potential to give yourself a future, you just need something to help
push you along. You cannot give up on your life, because you will lose the good things in your life. The only reason why people nag you,
me, your mom, etc. Is because we know you have what it takes to do something with your life, and were just trying to get you to that
point. It upsets us to see you just settle with how things are going. I know its near impossible to find a job, but i know you will, you will find
something that you will like, that will give you money to at least get by, you can't and probably won't find something that pays real well,
but you need to understand, you can't rely your happiness on having money. Never in your life will you be happy & satisfied then. Because
it's rare to have a lot of money these days and its even more of a rarity to be fully happy these days. The most important thing is the people
in your life that are by your side. Friends, family, those loved ones should be the main reason for happiness. Those people are what will be
there for you through thick and thin, might not always seem like it, but they will be. Money will come & go, jobs will come & go. Hell i am
on the verge of having no future to, it kills me everyday for me fucking up my life, but even though each day i am depressed at how my
life is looking i keep it in my heart that i have great people in my life who will love me no matter what and who will push me to be able
to achieve the most i can out of the life i lead right now. I have a loving family, they may be crazy & fucked up, but they love me. & one
of the best things about my life is having you there. Someone who truly loves me, who wants nothing but happiness for me, and loves me
no matter what, even if i look like complete shit & am a bitch. lol
I don't know if this can help at all. . . but i just want you to know...
i love you with everything i have & know you will have a great future, one including a life with me, you will get a good job & be able to
provide all the things needed to live a good life. It all just takes time to work things out. This may be a rough patch but we will make it
through together. I will never ever stop loving you, i will be by your side through whatever baby. Always&Forever.
Love,
Wifey. <3
Reading this, i have tears of happyness streaming down my face. happy only because i know that you love me, that you want a future together,
and that we will always be together through thick and thin. I know my family loves me and they say and do the things they do to push me to do the
right things and shape me into a better person. Ive done so much shaping though that i've given up. i dont see a point in trying, because no matter
how hard you try, you feel like your spinning your wheels. money may not solve anything, but from my point of view it will help a hell of a lot. we live
in a world that revolves around nothing but money. from day one that your born everyone and everything driving the idea of money in your head.
think about it for a minute. movies about stealing/making money, games where you need to make money in order to buy things in game, etc. you
can honestly go on forever naming things that have to do with money. Someone once said, "money cant buy you happyness, but itll buy you the boat
to sail up right along side of it". sure happyness comes with love from your family and the poeple who care about you, but to me, and whoever said that
quote, they know that money makes the world go round. they know that money is the root of all evil. they know that money is the closest thing they can
get to real happyness. it may not buy the love, thoughfulness, nor the care that is associated with real happyness, but it will buy everything in the world
that will keep your mind occupied and therefore happy. with money you can do everything, with no money, you cant do anything.
i love you wifey, always and forever. you know that. sometimes i may not look happy, but i am. happy with you" - July 20th 2009
See there was something there. Unless your good at pretending. lol
On another note, your birthday is coming up. I know you will have an amazing time and i hope you get everything you want. <3 Happy Birthday Dear =]
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