Heartbreaker.

"Heartbreaker, you've got the best of me. But i just keep on coming back incessantly. Oh why did you have to run your game on me? I should of known right from the start you'd go and break my heart." - Heartbreaker by Mariah Carey.

Everyone warned me, when they started to see some signs, that you would be the one to have me fall, that you would be the one to break my heart, but i ignored it all. Tonight, two days after my surgery, still recovering, still in pain, yet the tears i shed are not for my psychical pain i have but the emotional pain you have caused me. Things were going good, again, then things went bad, once again. Because of the pain meds i have been on things just seem out of place, so when things blew up? I was a little kid lost in a amusement park. I had no idea what i had done, what exactly happened that had caused you to mutter the words, it's over. So i try to talk it out, to figure out every detail that caused such pain, but you disappear once again, saying i know what i did, you needed your space etc.


My faults here are not truly faults in my eyes. Our situation is hard for me to be extremely happy, to live each day with a huge smile on my face, and trust in everything you say to me, or the actions you take with me. There has been so much in my life and so much within us that makes it completely impossible for me to quickly be the type of person you want me to be. You cannot shatter someone and expect them to fix it all up in one day, it's impossible to do. It will take time for me to be happy, for my hope, my faith, and my belief in us to be as strong as it used to be. As each day goes by i walk on egg shells with you becuase if i show one tear, open up any vulnerability i know you will be gone. It pains you to see me upset, it frustrates you to the point youll leave.


This is now how i pictured love to be. Everything i have seen in movies past relationships, i never thought that if someone loved someone that they would act in such a manor? Then what is this? What kind of relationship would this be defined as?

It seems weird that just yesterday you were in my arms, holding me tight, tending to my every need since i was recovering from surgery. At one point there was sadness in your eyes, i asked what was wrong, you replied with "i hate seeing you sick, or not doing well. I just want you happy and feeling great." How can one day of this turn to what we dealt with today? There are moments you shine through brighter than the sun with your love for me. And others you blend in the darkness not visible. 


I try to follow my heart, to not let my mind take over, or other's words get involved, and believe everything have with you. With each day, and each action you take its impossible for me to think otherwise. I am a thinker, and analyze every single aspect in life, and it causes problems and it answers questions, but its who i am, and its how i am with you.


I know i am a great, loving, sweet, caring etc type of person. I know my love for you is as strong as it can be and that nobody can love you more than i. I know i can give you everything you dream about. If things go wrong, which i hope does not happen. I wont let your thoughts of me change the idea of me being with someone else. Because the things i said about myself? That is proof that i know i can provide all that for someone else, even though i would rather give it all to you.


Oh heartbreaker, you drive me wild, you build me up just to break me down, and still always hold my heart. i just pray you dont break my heart again, i pray we make it  ahappily ever after instead <3